Friday, November 13, 2009

A year ago......many hearts were broken!

I can't believe it has been a year ago today that we found out about our Sweet Avery Ann's heart. I remember it so well, yet it was still a daze, if that can actually be. I remember the OB telling me that it was a perfect forming baby, right on with the dates, etc......but with some hesitation he said he was not able to see all the chambers of the heart and wondered if it was because of the way she was positioned....come back next week was his response. I had some nervousness about it but nothing that was overly concerning. We went back a week later and he said that we need to be referred to Utah Valley for a more intense ultrasound, now the nervousness was compounded so intently I didn't want to wait, so I muscled my way in to a same day appointment only to be even more devasted that the news did confirm my nightmare. Steve and I were sitting in the ultrasound room as they probbed and prodded their way around me.....it seemed like forever waiting and not seeing any facial expressions that were encouraging. We met with the genetic specialist and OB and they told us our options....we did an amnio to see if there would be other defects, it was all surreal. This is NOT happening to us, is it? Well in our sorrow, I thought I should find out the sex as we previously were not going to, so that I could be closer and bond with this precious child...of course it was a girl, the girl I always wanted. Bittersweet was an understatement! I have never shed so many tears in my life....I think that day, I began my grieving process.

We prepare ourselves and embrace our bodies for hurt, but it seems to never evade anyone. I sometimes think, why am I doing so well, I lost a baby? Shouldn't I be a mess, shouldn't I be balling everyday, why does life still go on? I don't know the exact answer but I know that I was blessed with a unusual amount of strength, hope, comfort and understanding! These past months have been overall really good, we have days of tears, laughs, yelling, messes, all the usual things but there is not a day that goes by that there is not a mention of our Avery Ann. She lives in our hearts, in our souls and in our life....my boys add in their daily prayers, "we pray that we will never forget our sister Avery." She made such an impact on so many lives, she has made many better people and I know its made lots of positive changes in our own family.

Last years holiday season was an emotional one, but we held on and we hope that this holiday season can help us to reflect on our growth, our gratitude and our family no matter if one is temporarily missing.

7 comments:

Ryan and Shannan Hoffman said...

Avery holds a sacred and precious place in my heart, although I didn't get to meet her. She brought me closer to you, whom I consider one of my closest friends. I like to think if her up there comforting both you and I at times. I'm sure it's a difficult anniversary. Call me if you need to chat.

Kyle and Alli said...

I have thought about you so much this week since we both learned about our heart babies just days apart! Isn't it surreal to reflect on the emotions of last year and what we were preparing to face. I sure wish that Avery was still here so we could continue to compare milestones, but I am also so grateful that she is a special guardian angel watching out for Grant and giving me peace in many of the scary moments. I swear, I thought Avery was at our house this week telling Grant to breath. She is so close. We love you guys!

Mindi D said...

That is so tender. I just read Grants as well. Our one year day is coming up and oddly enough it is our cardio appt check up. I'm a little tempted to call and switch. I know that's weird but its not a good day in my eyes! It wasn't until Dec 18, Libbi was almost 4 weeks early though so i guess that makes sense why you guys found out a month before we did. Hang in there! That picture is way cute.

Barberino said...

Oh Leah, how my heart ached as I read your blog; I continue to grieve my only granddaughter; how I wish I could make it different; make it better, make it easier for you. As a mother I want to take all my child's pain on to myself so that you do not suffer not a minute of anguish; but that is not what growth is about; that is not what YOUR own journey is about. Avery Ann is never farther than a thought; a prayer; a penny on the street; a butterfly flying by; a ladybug on your shirt; the smile of your sons in the morning. She is everywhere always.

Love, Mom xo

Brenna LaPray said...

Leah, your attitude and strength have been such an inspiration to so many...me included. It's amazing how a little spirit can change the lives of so many. I love that you took a family picture. What a beautiful family you truly are.

Aunt Sandy said...

Yes in time of sorrow how does life go on and why should it, that's what I always wonder, I'm sure there is an answer but it's bigger than anyone could think of. Avery is a part of you and your family and always will be. When you were all going thru such heartache I couldn't believe the strength you had, I'm very proud of you and all you do. I love you so much. Hugs Auntie

Dennison Family said...

Oh, your memories bring back so many similar for me! I know how you feel. I think back on what was going on one year ago, and it brings me to tears as well. I love you and miss you!